


sun and moon

by markisms



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Unrequited Love, also this is kinda bad i wrote it impulsively in one sitting, im just projecting, only a little though, sorry this is kind of sad i didnt mean for it to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-09 22:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20517635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markisms/pseuds/markisms
Summary: This is how it will be. This is how it was always meant to be.





	sun and moon

Mark thinks it’s kind of funny the way things unfold; the way he knew all along that it was too good to be true, that he was flying too close to the sun and it was only a matter of time before the harsh rays it emitted melted the glue that kept him together.

Before Mark was able to admit to himself that he was bisexual, he thought that he liked two things: women and Donghyuck. It was easier to digest. Who wouldn’t like him? Kind, pretty, talented, and smart? Honestly, it’s not Mark’s fault that he fell in love with his best friend. He’s the kind of boy that your parents approve of you being friends with. The kind that wouldn’t make him feel guilty for liking. His feelings for Hyuck are safe, have always been safe – something that, even when he struggled to come to terms with certain aspects of himself, he could come back to and allow himself to feel. Because Hyuck is like the sun. And Mark has never been good at ignoring the ache in his chest and the doubts in his mind that remind him that he can never reach that light.

Looking back, Mark realizes that he was doomed from the start. When you’ve idolized a hypothetical relationship in your head the way he has, there’s no way for your reality to ever fulfill you. He used to think about holding Hyuck’s hand, fantasized about the closeness of the action, the significance behind it. Contemplated whether he’d mind if Mark just - quickly, before the moment passes - and he’s missed it, the opportunity evaded his grasp, and Mark once again felt like the world’s biggest coward. Maybe Mark is destined to be mocked by his own reality. Maybe Mark will never get the closeness he craved. _ It’s okay, _ he thinks. _ I still have time. _

You have all the time in the world until you have none at all, and are left to think about the series of choices you’ve made that have left you in the pathetic situation you’re in. When one crisp, autumn night, Donghyuck told Mark he’s had a crush on someone for years, Mark feels his heart skip a beat. He sees the sun up close, inches away, close enough to touch. Even in the chilliness of the weather, he can feel Donghyuck’s warmth. 

“Hyung, we’re best friends right? It’s okay for me to tell you I like a boy, right?”

Mark lets out the breath he was holding.

“Of course.”

So Mark lets himself get told the story of a boy he knows nothing about, a boy who will never love Donghyuck back, and tries his best to act like he isn’t crashing rapidly into the sea, weighed down by the weight of his own emotions and the realization that _ this is how it will be. This is how it was always meant to be. _ He was always just too blind to see it.

He lets Donghyuck cry in the passenger seat of his car, and assures him that things will get better. _ Even if he doesn’t like you back Hyuck, you will find someone that will. You deserve it. And I love you, no matter what. _ No matter what, Mark will let the sun’s light consume him whole, until nothing is left but the bleached husk of a boy. A boy who is drowning in his feelings, and the knowledge that he will never be loved back the way he dreams of.

Mark goes home that night feeling broken beyond repair, the thought of the person who brought him the most joy bringing a throbbing pain to his chest. _ Don’t be so surprised, _ he thought. _ You knew this would happen all along. _

Mark eventually works up the courage to confess to Donghyuck. It takes a year of constant internal turmoil, of the question “Mark-hyung, are you okay? You’ve been looking kind of down,” and the feeling that if he doesn’t get this out, he will die. The waters will consume him whole. And he will have lost everything without even giving it a chance.

He writes a lengthy text. Because he is a coward. Hits send. And then he waits. 

Sometimes, people that are realistic are often labeled as pessimists. Mark never thought he was a pessimist for thinking Hyuck and him would never work out. Even when told by his friends that “of course Hyuck would like you back, who wouldn’t,” he could never get rid of the sinking suspicion that everyone was lying to him. 

And he was right.

“Hyung.”

“I’m so sorry. But I can’t reciprocate your feelings. I love you a lot though. I really, truly love you.”

Mark endures. He learns to live with the constant ache in his chest. He manages to function as a normal human being, one whose heart hasn’t just been shattered into thousands of tiny pieces, with no way to get back together. _ This is fine. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. _ Mark just got too close to the sun. And now he must deal with the consequences of his actions. Icarus falls, and Mark does too, struggling against the harsh waters of the Mediterranean, being betrayed by the sun, who he soared so high for, for just a touch.

**Author's Note:**

> me: yeah im not a big fan of non-linear  
me: writes non-linear


End file.
